I turned 50 this year. In Saskatchewan, a veritable paradise of low unemployment, extra vacation (3 weeks minimum, y'all!) and socialized medicine, everyone who reaches this venerable age is sent a FIT kit, which provides easy and early testing for colon cancer. No, I don't know what FIT stands for. Yes, participation is voluntary.
The test itself is simple. You shit onto a paper plate then use the little scraper they provide to gather a sample from the top layer of crap. The scraper goes into a sterile holder, which gets wrapped up in a protective cloth. This arrangement gets popped into a self-addressed, stamped envelope. You can either drop your shit off at a lab, or put it in the mail. What you do with the shit remaining on the paper plate is, of course, up to you.
After procrastinating the FIT kit I finally got around to doing it in the middle of December. I wasn't really too concerned about the whole ass cancer thing. After all, I had a colonoscopy at the end of August. I was diagnosed with mild diverticulosis and they found small hemorrhoids, which they banded and presumably destroyed. No ass cancer, thank you very much, but I was told that running and biking aren't good for hemorrhoids (also not good for hemorrhoids? Sitting around getting fat. But I digress) and sent on my merry way. So what could the FIT kit analysis possibly find?
Spoiler alert: The analysis found blood.
I'm still not too worried. The blood is undoubtedly from my stupid fucking hemorrhoids and I doubt they'll recommend another colonoscopy. Still, it's yet another wakeup call. I need to mend my sorry ways while I still have sorry ways to mend.
Just for shits (see what I did there) and giggles, I thought I'd list my other various bodily plagues and stresses:
- Anal bleeding (not rivers of it, but still)
- Tired
- Shitty memory
- Lack of focus
- Headaches
- Sinus problems/post-nasal drip
- Sore joints, especially knees
- Dry skin
- Dry eyes
- Hair loss
- Always clearing throat
- Chest pains
- High cholesterol
- High blood pressure
- Mood swings, no patience
- Depression
- Chest congestion/wheezing
- Back pain
- Numb hands
- Shoulder/upper arm pain
- Acid reflux
- Gas and
- Aching muscles
- Nose psoriasis
- Cystic acne
I think it will be interesting to check back in a month to see how things are going. Will my symptoms have abated after a month of healthier living? It can't get worse (I hope), and I sure look forward to it getting better.
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